Chocolate Frogs and Time Travel
by purple-psychopath
Summary: After an accident in their dormitory, James and Sirius are flung through time to the opening feast of 1995. Where after meeting Harry, they make it their personal mission, to get the kid laid. Time-travel AU.
1. One

**Chocolate Frogs and Time Travel**

One

* * *

In the middle of a mock four way duel at the beginning of their 6th year, James and Sirius both hit each other with spells at the same time. Right as Peter dropped down from the ceiling dumping some weird potion on them, and Remus sneezed while casting a spell, great globs of werewolf boogers flying into their faces, as the strange purple swirling mass of a sneezed out, and therefore malformed Tarantallegra impacted their chests.

Somehow, all of these things combined created a tear in the space-time continuum; ripping them away from their dorm on September 1st 1976, and sending them many years into the future. Lo, they tumbled out of the ceiling of the great hall in the middle of a sorting ceremony 19 years later, September 1st of 1995, just as some pink clothed toad was standing to make a speech. They tumbled and twisted through the air landing smack on Draco Malfoys head, pushing it down with such a force that the knife he was holding menacingly pierced right through his eyeball.

They felt terrible for a moment, until they realized it was a Malfoy of all things. At which they proceeded to giggle loudly, look at each other and proclaim "What the fuck just happened!?" loudly together.

Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey rushed down from the head table, whereupon Pomfrey took one look at the pool of blood under Malfoy's face and pronounced him dead for all to hear. Dumbledore quickly grabbed James and Sirius and rushed them away to his office.

* * *

"Well boys," He addressed them, "Given the death of Mr. Malfoy I suspect you shall find yourselves in a great deal of trouble soon, however the entire Great Hall saw, and most would be willing to lend the memory of the accident. So I suppose it would be rather impossible to charge you with murder of any degree."

"Well that's a relief." James grinned.

Dumbledore twinkled at them, "Would you mind telling me how you came to be here?"

Sirius looked at Dumbledore, James looked at Sirius, Dumbledore's eyes twinkled at them both.

"Is it just me Prongs, or does Dumbledore look even older to you too?"

James looked at Dumbledore, Sirius looked at James, Dumbledore's eyes stopped twinkling.

"He does indeed look it Padfoot," Then addressing Dumbledore, "What happened to you man?"

"More accurately, what happened to the two of you? I believe you are, James Potter and Sirius Black?"

"Well obviously," Sirius answered, "There's nothing wrong with us, I mean, sure no one here looks quite like they're supposed to, but I suppose that's just from our annual prank."

"Wait, Padfoot, Dumbledore's old right?"

"Yeah, what do you mean by it Prongs?"

"No like, he's older than normal, and the prank we had set out was only going to swap the robes around so girls were wearing boys' kits and vice versa. Moreover, I remember that happening as planned."

"Wait a minute! You're right Prongsie! Then we had that duel in our dorms and Moony sneezed and… Dumbledore, what's going on?"

"It would appear," He answered them, "That you are not in the time you should be, if my memory serves, the gender bender prank was at the start of your 6th year… am I correct boys?"

"Yes, quite correct sir." They answered together.

"Well then, I believe you have been flung 19 years into the future, but nevertheless, your education must be continued. I shall make room for you in the Gryffindor 6th year boys dorm. Though I suppose I must warn you Mr. Potter, your son in currently in his 5th year here."

"Oh cool! When do I get to meet my older self?"

Dumbledore looked morose, "I am afraid, Mr. Potter, that you died when young Harry was only a year old, and your wife with you. Lord Voldemort targeted the two of you, and, you both died in the effort to save your son."

Sirius looked gloomy at the prospect of a future without James, but in a moment of insight, realized that if they were in this time now, nothing of the horrible past would ever happen. So long as they were never forced back that is. "Sir, can we stay here forever?"

"It would not be a good idea for that to occur Mr. Black, you are required in your own era, and the powers that be are quite unsteady with such a large alteration in time. However, I have no idea how to send you back, so it would appear as though you are trapped here for the meantime."

* * *

Shortly after James and Sirius left the office and made their way to the Gryffindor tower, upon entering James pointed at a boy who looked strikingly similar to himself and proclaimed triumphantly "He has Lily's eyes!"

Harry Potter turned around and nearly keeled over from a heart attack. Hermione Granger replied without looking up from her book "Well of course he has his mother's eyes, honestly, everyone with half a brain knows that."

James smirked at Sirius; Sirius sighed and extracted a galleon from his pocket. "Fine you win, you DO end up with Evans."

Harry Potter recovered "Who are you two? You look like my dad, and you…" He gave a pointed look to Sirius, "look like my godfather, only, younger, and less miserable."

"Well Harry Potter, I am James Potter, your father, and my companion is Sirius Black."

"That's impossible," Hermione butted in, "You can't travel that far into the future, it would rip space-time apart. The universe would consume itself."

"Well, maybe it has, given that for some reason this oaf is Harry's Godfather."

"Oi! I'd make a wonderful Godfather."

"Yes but Lily hates you, would never happen, Remus ought to be Godfather. She actually likes him."

Harry interjected, "Actually, Professor Lupin couldn't be my godfather because of all the ministry restrictions on… well, you know."

"Ministry restrictions? Why would that stop us?" James looked horrified.

Sirius was more concerned with another point, "Professor Lupin? James, pay up."

James huffed and handed over a galleon.

That night the Potters and Sirius covered a great many topics of history, but by far, the most pressing issue to the two time travellers was that little Harry Potter, was a virgin. '_It is my Godfatherly duty to get this kid laid_.' Sirius thought to himself. '_My son? A fifth year? Not even gotten a nice feel up of a girl yet? This must be amended._' James decided.

And so, James and Sirius had become determined to get young Mr. Potters rocks off.


	2. Two

Two

When Angelina held the Quidditch trials in search of a new Keeper, James figured he'd try out for that. Sure he was used to playing Chaser, but with his knowledge of different formations and shot types, he figured he could make it. He did, with a disappointing amount of ease too; he knew that Harry had wanted Ron on the team, so he agreed to let the Wealsey on as the reserve. It was Quidditch that gave James his first idea on how to get his dear son some womanly experience.

Looking around the Quidditch team members, he couldn't help but notice how many girls there were on the team, good looking ones too. Perhaps he could mildly confound the girls to enter the boys' changing rooms for their showers; certainly given his own good looks, and how his son clearly got the best of the Potter genes, the girls would take note of a certain seeker. Yes, that should certainly work.

So, after the very first Quidditch practise, James confounded the three chasers on their way to the changing rooms and had them walk into the boys'. However there was one minor setback. Angelina Johnson seemed to only have eyes for the Weasley twins. Of course, there was the other setback, where Katie Bell and Alicia Spinnet appeared to be more distracted by himself than Harry. Nonetheless, James considered this a reparable flaw in his master plan, given how exactly the same he and Harry looked.

* * *

It was not a week later that Sirius had a rather brilliant idea, his potions grade had been ruined by the teaching of Snape, who purposefully dropped vials of every potion he produced. So the thought of destroying a bit of the grease ball's potions lab was beautiful. It would take a fine hand, and a minor distraction to pull it off. They took this as the ideal time to induct Harry into the Marauders.

"Harry!" He called across the common room.

Harry, who was discussing something or other with his friends gave him a confused look, but wandered over anyway. "What is it?" He asked.

"How would you like to become an official Marauder?"

"Oi! It's about bloody time we induct my son, quickly Harry to our dorm room!"

James, Sirius, and a slightly confused Harry scampered up the stairs and sat on the floor of the 6th year boys' dorm.

"Alright…" Harry began, "What's going on?"

Sirius ruffled his future godson's hair before replying, "I have just thought of the perfect way to initiate you as a Marauder."

James turned happily towards Sirius, "Tell us quickly!"

"Alright, so Snivelly is completely annihilating my potions grade with his assholey biases and such. So I decided we should blow up his private potions lab."

"With him in it?" James eagerly suggested.

"No no," Harry interrupted, "We can't kill him, Dumbledore would be mad at us."

Sirius pinched Harry's cheeks. "Awwhhhh, is ickle Pwongsie-baby afwaid of the big bad Dumbleydore?"

James pulled Harry to his chest and stroked his sons wild hair, "It's okay my wittle handsomest baby boy ever! I'll pwotect you fwom Dumbledore's scawwy look of disappointment."

Harry burrowed his head into his dad's shoulder and faux sobbed, "It's just so horrible! That look he gets when the twinkle of doom goes out! It's like the butterflies will never flutter again!"

James patted Harry's back soothingly, "It's okay, we'll try not to kill Snape…"

"This time." Sirius finished.

The three boys plotted for the rest of the evening, wondering how they could possibly cause an explosion large enough to take out an entire potions lab. Thankfully Harry thought of a muggle method, leaving them only with the dilemma of how to acquire enough dynamite.

* * *

After much research into muggle newspapers, and even more into something ominously named "The Yellow Pages", they had a small order of dynamite set to be delivered by next Thursday. In the meantime however, all three of them were forced to suffer through Snape's terrible teaching.

Thankfully there was a singular Quidditch match during the long wait, and so Sirius and James decided to use this time as a means of completing their original goal. Sirius took up a pair of omnioculars that wonderful Quidditch game morning and immediately recorded the Great Hall, he needed very precise information on who was eyeing up his godson. Surely somebody would look past the hereditary bad looks of the Potter line.

Whilst observing the hall himself he discovered three possible candidates: The first was a redhead Weasley girl, but she looked mildly obsessive, and too much like Harry's apparent mother. The second was an Asian Ravenclaw who stared dolefully at Harry every so often, Sirius dismissed her as well when he saw her reach, the third time, for a tissue box. No need to give the poor kid a water fountain. The third was yet another Ravenclaw, a very blonde girl who appeared to be wearing radishes, she stared long with unblinking eyes, and she was clearly crazy. But, Sirius figured, Harry was fairly nuts himself, it might just work.

Later Sirius reviewed the recording he had taken and discovered two more candidates, one was ignored due to being a Slytherin, but the other was intriguing. She was a Hufflepuff girl, red hair, brown eyes; upon closer inspection Sirius noted with a jolt, she looked like a female version of Edgar Bones. '_Must be his daughter'_ Sirius mused. She didn't look often, but when she did her eyes were glued to Harry, with an almost thoughtful longing.

'_Alright then,'_ Sirius conceded, '_Two candidates, I'll run them by James and we'll initiate plan C.'_

So during the Quidditch match James had two jobs, the first and most important was to block goals, the other was to observe the two girls Sirius had pointed out and then decide which to pursue for his son. Meanwhile Sirius was sat in the stands doing the same, first he looked to the Ravenclaw, who apparently her eyes on a patch of empty air, '_Right, clearly insane.' _The second girl clutched nervously to the stands as she watched Harry swoop and dive after the snitch.

* * *

After the Quidditch match they had both come to the same conclusion. "Alright Potter so here's the plan, we spell your eyes green, steal Harry's dorky glasses, and then you go ask her out for him."

"Sirius, I'm like 5 inches taller than him, that will completely not work."

"Yes it will, it's not like girls pay attention to these things anyway."

"You are completely wrong Sirius, of course they pay attention to height. The poor girl is going to be expecting Harry who is SHORTER than her, and when I show up towering over her… it's just not going to work."

"Alright alright, stop. We'll just buy some polyjuice."

"With what money? I'm legally dead, apparently you're a convict, we can't just waltz into Gringotts and take out 30 galleons."

"30? It only costs 15 galleons."

Neither of them had noticed Harry pop into their dorm, "You need 30 galleons?"

Sirius and James whipped around, "Um, yes?"

Harry reached into his pocket and extracted the money, "Here."

Sirius stared at him, "But, that's your money… and you, do you even know what we're planning to spend it on?"

"Well no. But it's really your money too, well, Dad's at least."

"Polyjuice!" James blurted out.

Sirius glared.

"It's the eyes Padfoot!" James moaned, "I just can't lie to them!"

Harry rolled his eyes, "That's fine; 'Mione, Ron, and I made some in second year. Have fun."

James blinked in surprise.

Sirius smirked, "Who'd you prank?"

"We uh, used it to break into the Slytherin common room."

Sirius nodded approvingly.

"Well, go buy your polyjuice then, happy pranking."

"James mate. Your son is kind of a badass."

"Yeah… I'm going to go give him a hug."

"That's the least manly thing you've ever said." Then in a whisper, "_At least pluck a hair off him while you're at it_."

* * *

_A/N: I'm writing again. An update to Marauders Pact is also coming soon, I've had the most spectacular bout of writers block on it, but I'm ready to power through it. Expect it sometime in the next 3 weeks._  



	3. Three

Three

Their dynamite had finally arrived, and mere hours later two vials of polyjuice.

"Alright, so first things first. We need to blow up Snape's lab."

"We can light it off right in the middle, the shockwave should shatter all the vials."

"How do you know this stuff Prongslet?"

"Muggle school."

"Ooohhh, they teach you to destroy things? I wish I went to muggle school."

"The teachers didn't, the library did. How does the polyjuice fit into this anyway?"

"It doesn't, that's for something completely different."

"What are you doing?"

"That's not important now. You said you inherited my cloak?"

"Yup!" Harry held it up.

"Excellent," James snatched it away, "Sirius go blow up the lab. I need to talk to Harry."

Sirius rushed invisibly from the room holding many sticks of dynamite; leaving the two alone.

"Er…" Harry frowned, "What do you want to talk about?"

"Why don't you have a girlfriend?"

"I don't… Well it's NOT for lack of TRYING!"

"Oh so you DO want a girlfriend? That's very good, I can help you."

"Well I like this Ravenclaw girl… Cho Chang, but-"

James interrupted, "You mean the one who's always crying?"

"She's not ALWAYS crying, and she's allowed to be sad, her boyfriend died last year."

"Well fine, she gets to be sad then, but seriously you don't want anything to do with that."

"Who are you to say what I can and cannot want?"

"Your Dad, apparently. But I didn't mean it like that. I'm sure she's pretty when her face isn't all red and puffy."

"Very."

"Alright, but she's heartbroken, no matter how awesome you are; and believe me you're very awesome because all Potters are; it's never going to work because she's clearly still into the dead guy."

"Please call him Cedric."

"Cedric then. But really, don't bother with her."

"How do you know it won't work? I'm sure plenty of relationships work as… as… whatever this is."

"They're called rebounds, and I know they don't work because I've studied all Padfoots' relationships and he's dated almost half the girls in Hogwarts."

"Why are you studying-"

"So I don't mess up with," James sighed dreamily, "_Lily…"_

"Yeah, mom, right."

"See, if I end up with Lily then clearly all my understanding of relationships WORKS. Now obey your father and get over that girl I don't remember her name."

"Cho Chang."

"Yes! Her. How do you feel about that Bones girl… Hufflepuff, redhead?"

"Susan? She's alright I guess."

"Okay, cause Sirius had an idea that we'd polyjuice me into you to ask her out, and then force you to go on the date… but because your my son, I'm not going to trick you into dating, so just go ask her out. Then you and I can polyjuice into Sirius and go ask out TWO girls for the same Hogsmeade weekend."

"That's devious, but also kind of mean to the girls."

"Then we'll make them two girls who –"

Quite suddenly there was a large, noisy, earth shaking, resounding; "_**BOOOM!**_" from directly below them. The castle walls shook around them for many seconds as they sat in shocked silence.

"-girls who are mean to you." James finished lamely.

"Deal." Harry agreed, "Now let's go find out what the… stuff just happened."

"Say fuck Harry, this situation warrants a few swears."

"Yes dad…. Fuck."

The two Potters then proceeded to run down many flights of stairs, all the way to the main floor of Hogwarts where they discovered a rather large hole in the floor. Looking down they saw an even larger, still smoking crater.

James swore.

"Yeah…" Harry agreed.

"Was it supposed to blow that big?"

"I don't think so… is Sirius okay?"

"Oh shit,** PADFOOT**!" James jumped down the hole and instantly began digging through rubble, Harry quickly followed.

Thunderous stomping footsteps charged into the crater, "**POTTERS!" **Snape was positively apoplectic. "**WHAT. IS. THIS?"**

Harry looked up, "No time for that, Sirius was down here, he might be hurt!"

"**THAT DUNDERHEAD DESERVES ANY INJURY HE SUSTAINED!"**

Dumbledore drifted calmly in, "Now Severus, he's perfectly harmless."

"**HE destroyed MY LAB."**

"There's nothing to imply that Severus, look how worried Harry and young Mr. Potter are. This is clearly not one of their plots."

"**They did it! I'm SURE of it!"**

"Fuck off Snape, and help us dig!"

James beamed for a moment, "That's a boy Harry, insult Snivellus!"

"Whhaat… yeah. Insult…. mmk."

They whipped around to see where Sirius was stumbling out from the rubble, a hand over his bleeding ear, the other arm wrapped around his middle holding several broken ribs.

* * *

Due to the substantial damage dealt to the dungeons, potions classes were moved up to the second floor. Due to the substantial damage dealt to his ribs, Sirius required a night in the hospital wing. James and Harry chose to use that night to enact their plan. After all, the pranks must go on.

"Now Harry, what girls are mean to you?"

"Uh… well, I'm kind of famous you know."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. So, no girls are outright mean, or anything. Except Slytherins."

"No Slytherin would agree to go out with a Gryffindor…"

"There's this girl in Gryffindor, she's really mean to Hermione."

"Oh, Hermione huh? Do you like her?"

"What? No, she's like, like how Sirius and Professor Lupin are."

"Oh… You're just fuck-buddies."

"Wait. No, she's. She's practically my sister! Wait? Professor Lupin, and Sirius?"

"Yeah, they're not really subtle about it either. And why should her being like a sister stop you?"

"Because that's incest?"

James laughed, "Mate, my great grandparents were siblings. Seriously, incest is nothing to us purebloods."

"That's disgusting."

"Okay, okay, not Hermione then. Who's mean to her?"

"Lavender Brown."

"Okay, you go ask out Susan Bones as yourself, I'll ask out this Lavender Brown girl as Sirius. Then we'll meet up, I'll give you the polyjuice, and… who's Susan's best friend?"

"Hannah Abbot… why?"

"Because when Sirius breaks her heart, Susan is going to be really mad. Then she'll come to yell at you, and you can reassure her that you knew nothing about it, come give Sirius a black eye, and then Susan will be totally hot for you."

"How?"

"I don't know, girls are just like that for some reason."

"Okay… wait? If you're great grandparents were siblings… that means my great-great grandparents are siblings. Merlin, my inbreeding co-efficient must be horrible."

"Not as bad as mine kiddo."


End file.
